Understanding Myself

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All my life I've had the desire to truly understand myself. Not change who I am or be someone I'm not, just simply to understand what kind of person I am and be sure of myself.

Now, please let me make clear the differentiation between this is the horrible cliche of 'going travelling to find yourself'. I don't understand what this means as it implies that you've been lost your whole life, and going somewhere you've never been that isn't your home will help you find that? Sorry but if you're from Watford, you won't find yourself in Bali hun, all you'll find is the shits and maybe a nice keyring.
This always seemed very superficial to me. Just because you got a dodgy tattoo and bought some harem pants does not mean you're enlightened. You'll likely come home to your nice big bed and your hair straighteners and you'll realise you're still the same person that left a year ago.
(Fyi- there's nothing wrong with that if you did go to Bali and come home with some harem pants. I'm just sayin the personal growth comes from somewhere deeper than just the superficial.)

No, the change I'm talking about is more about growing as a person. Where you can come home in your same muddy trainers that you left in but you feel the things you've seen and experiences you've had have better equipped you to be out in the world being a person.

Before I left, I already knew who I was. I'll always be the loud one with an opinion and terrible dance moves. I didn't need to find myself, I just wanted to understand myself a little better.


Another goal I've had coming out here (and it's not just been a goal for this trip, it's been a goal my whole life, really) was to become more resilient. I'm the sort of person who feels the world, so beautiful things are really beautiful to me and sad things are utterly sad. I've recently learnt a word- 'aesthete'- having deep sensitivity to the beauty of art or nature. That's great, but I want to improve on not taking negative things into my own heart so readily.

But I've recently learnt that resilience isn't necessarily just not crying- it's still crying about he sad things, feeling your feelings, but then moving on. It's carrying on and moving through life despite everything. It's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. (Can't remember where that quote was from, does anyone know?)

So perhaps I was resilient all along- I just needed the confidence to know that I could do things on my own and look after myself no matter what.
When I say about confidence, I don't mean feeling like you look good. I had that down already, plus it doesn't mean much really. It's superficial.
I mean confidence in your actions, in your morals, in your values, and an unshaking belief that you know what you're doing. This does not mean being closed minded to the fact that you will be wrong about some things, but the willingness to correct yourself. It means not doubting yourself for no reason. Which I have since understood about myself that I am one to lean towards this tendency, to be anxious about my actions- did I do/say the right thing? But, instead, I am learning how to turn this worry into an open-mindedness to growth, being corrected, new ideas, and change.

I'm still on this journey, always will be, but I just had to share some of my thoughts recently and I'm so proud of the growth I'm experiencing.

Shepp x

Comments

  1. JMR16 June 2020 at 14:42

    Love your thoughts. You really are turning into a wonderful human being. Be a teacher. Xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Travels of Shepp16 June 2020 at 14:45

      Aw thanks 😌 but no don't think I could do that to myself! 😂

      Delete

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