Living in the present, not through a screen

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So, I feel I owe many explanations as to what I've been doing and why I've been so quiet on social media and the blog recently.

After setting off on a road trip up north from Brisbane, I only made it 2 hours away to Noosa before deciding to stay for a while. I've been living in Noosa since May working in a shop selling acai bowls and I've overall loved living here.
I lived in my van for the first month before moving into a hostel where I've been for the past 6 weeks, with an amazing group of friends who I love very much.
While of course there's been some bad days over the past few months, I've generally had a great time and been having so much fun. I've been to two festivals with my mates and we've had a blast.

It's not like I've just forgotten about my blog- I've started, rewritten, and scrapped blog posts at least six different times since I've lived here.
I've found it really difficult to connect with it like I used to. Everything I've written has felt fake and manufactured, and I didn't want to put across some made-up version of my life; half-truths about what I'm doing that aren't even that interesting to read anyway.
Every time I've gone to write it just feels futile as I know I can't connect over written word or social media in the same way as I'm able to connect with people here, in person, in the real world. The way I really want to connect with people.
And so I've just left the blog on the back burner, ignoring it as it eats away at me. It's something I do really want to do but this disingenuous feeling has made me procrastinate like never before.
(Obviously this blog post itself has been very hard for me to write!)

I've felt pretty similarly about social media too.
Usually I post loads because I want to update everyone on what I'm doing, plus I enjoy it myself to look back on photos and videos that are little snippets of my life in that particular moment that would otherwise be gone forever.
But recently that has also felt so utterly fake.
Why would I be worried about the pretend image of myself that I'm portraying online, when I could just enjoy the incredible beauty and abundance around me in the real world, right now?
It's the same reason why I've been so turned off from Facetiming people back home recently too. It takes me right out of where I really am, right out of the present moment, and into some delusion of a world that I'm not sure I want to live in.

Lately I've really been connecting with old speeches by Alan Watts, in which he talks about philosophy and life in a way that I've never heard before. One of his quotes that really resonates here is:
"A great occasion is somehow spoiled for us unless photographed, and to read about it the next day in the newspaper is oddly more fun for us than the original event. This is a disaster."
And so, every time I go to get my phone out and take a picture or video of something for instagram because, oh, it will be nice to remember it later, and my friends will want to see that I'm doing this... it feels utterly disastrous that I'm not really in the present moment.
By posting so much stuff on instagram I feel I'm living in the future, and by compulsively looking back at old photos and videos I feel I'm living in the past.

The funny thing is it's not like I've just dropped writing altogether; I've actually been writing more consistently than ever before. I write in my journal every single day, preferably first thing in the morning. As well as just writing freely (or rambling, whatever you want to call it), I also write a list of things I'm grateful for each day, and my intentions for the day. I find this really grounds me and keeps me focused on what's important, as well as remembering how lucky I am to have everything that I do. I love this way of writing as because it's just for me, I find there's no pressure at all, unlike on here where I feel this strange obligation to be a certain way and give a certain amount.
So it's not like I'm abandoning my creative outlet, I'm just finding new ways of doing it, that are more true to me and feel more authentic.

I hope everyone can understand why I feel disconnected from everything recently and that I'm just trying to live my life as I see it in front of me, not through a screen. I'm not sure if I'll be able to write these blog posts or not going forward, or even if I will start posting photos on instagram of my travels, I'll have to wait and see how I feel about it as I continue to travel up the East Coast.
I truly am sorry if I've rejected a Facetime from any of you in the past couple months, it isn't personal I promise! Plus, I know it doesn't matter because all the real ones will be there once I come home and I can finally really connect with you in person, not through a phone.

Loads of love,

Shepp x

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